12.22.03
Dreaming of not feeling
I had a dream last night about making love to my ex-girlfriend…the one to whom I never did. We were both competing in a debate tournament, and it took place after the first round, while waiting for the results to be posted. The classroom we were alone in conveniently had a bed. I remember looking into her eyes the entire time. It was slow, gentle, and beautiful.
Afterwards, I didn’t bother looking at the results for the first round, or the postings for the second. I didn’t care anymore. She did. She had won, and was going on the the next round. I stood by while she practiced her opening speech over and over, but she didn’t pay me any attention. She was absorbed in her studying. She went to the appropriate room when it was time. I remember the walk to my car, wondering when she would notice that I had left…when she would notice how much she cared that I had left…if she cared.
I felt used, but I didn’t let it show. I crawled back into my stoic shell and went on, like I always do. I let it roll off my back, like I always do. I only let it hurt down deep, like I always do. I woke up before noon, like I never do.